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Nov. 12th, 2013

Last Semester

It was the second day of class and there were no teachers around. Again.

I suppose this is the part where you tell me to celebrate and shout for joy. Yeah, well. Sorry. I’m actually quite disappointed. It’s not that I enjoy class. Sometimes, I do. If I happen to like the professor or the subject. But most of the pain, I do admit that it is a huge pain in the *ss. What with the dozens of requirements and long hours of lecture. I, however, really hate to waste my time sitting in a chair waiting for someone who, apparently, is not actually coming. Patience is not my strongest virtue and time-wasters are a real nemesis of mine. So yeah, I was pretty frustrated when I had to head home because no one was coming.

Aside from that, I was really uncomfortable with my new classmates. Yeah, I am familiar with all of them but most are acquaintances while others I know by name or reputation only. The few friends that I have I could count in a single hand, and none of them are really close to me. My circle of friends are scattered among the other sections while I’m left alone. It’s depressing when I think about spending my last five months in the university with these people. Most of the members of the group are quite serious with their studies. A lot of them managed to snag a spot in the Dean’s List while a number are scholars. When I think about it, I realized that our class had most of the superior brains in the batch. It’s not something to be excited about really, as this would mean more struggle for mortals like me to be able to cope their performance in class.

Then, there’s the schedule. I had afternoon class every Monday and Tuesday, Hospital Duty from Thursday to Saturday and I had our hardest subject every Saturday after the duty. Isn’t that grand? After spending 8 hours attending to patients, playing nice to staff nurses and getting busted by clinical instructors, I had to go to class and take mind-boggling examinations. Yeah, well. Yey, me.

There’re ups as well. Primarily, it’s my last semester! Yey! I’m really almost finishing my degree. Just this fact would balance all that is present above. I mean, wow! I’m almost there! It’s high time to give everything I’ve got and more as, obviously, it won’t be easy. I’m pretty confident, though, that, with God’s grace, I’ll finish university and get my degree.

There’s also me heading the preparation for the Senior’s Night, a grand celebration at the end of the year for the graduates. As I’m one to enjoy planning these kinds of activities, I’m really having a good time on choosing event locations, making programs, deciding on decorations, sending invitations and the like. I’m really very excited for the activity. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a big challenge balancing my studies, council duties and event preparation but I’m all up for it. I just hope I’m ready.

With the start of my last semester in college, I hope to challenge myself to become a better me and to achieve greater heights. It’s going to be tough going through the next four to five months and I hope I’m already prepared for the battle. I’ve sweated, cried and was almost to brink of insanity for the past three years and I’m not about to let all my sacrifices and effort go to waste by flopping on my last semester. It’s going to take a lot and I’m prepared to give it all I’ve got.

I just hope that it’s going to be enough.

Nov. 9th, 2013

(no subject)

I wanted to say that I don't care. That I don't give a d**n. That I feel nothing.

But I'm through lying to myself. I'm through all the b*llsh*t and lies and pretensions. I'm done saying I'M FINE when NOTHING'S ALRIGHT. I've been making a fool out of myself for so long that I'm so worn out already.

Everything I do is lacking. No matter the effort, no matter the sacrifice, I am still lacking. I understand that no one's perfect, no matter how hard one tries. But, for you? I try to be. It's just too depressing how you don't see that because you are blinded by all the mistakes that I do. What you only see are my imperfections and even the things that I could do wrong IN THE FUTURE!

Have you ever stopped to even look at me, really look at me and see how all of this is killing me? Do you see how I'm practically dying everyday? Do you even know who I am?

Gaaaaahd! I try sooo hard just to earn even a pinch of your respect. I'm not quite sure that after everything, I have a portion already. In fact, I'm not even sure if you actually see me as a person. I mean, not as a living-breathing one. Obviously, you see that. But as a feeling-hurting one. You know, the type who has feelings and actually feel pain and sorrow and the likes? Yeah, not quite sure you're even familiar with the type. But just so you know? I'm the latter. I don't want to just exist. I actually want to live.

See the funny thing about humans is that you should also allow them to grow. Control them too much and BAM! You kill their very heart.

They just stop living, experiencing, hoping.

The just live, eat, breathe.

I don't want that. I want so many things and I accept pain as part of life. I might not like it but I could welcome it. For only through experiencing and moving past this pain will I truly be able to know what it is like to live.

I am not a child. I don't need a caretaker.

I am not a prisoner. I don't need a warden.

I am a young woman on the verge of experiencing life. And I need your guidance.

Is that too much to ask?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Nov. 1st, 2013

Doubts and Pasts

I had this guy friend who liked me back in high school. I did like him back. Only I was too chicken to admit things. He didn't push the issue, continued being a really good friend to me and the next thing I know, he was already smitten with another girl who was three years our junior. Naturally I was depressed back then. I liked him too much that I spent a year pining over him before I finally moved on. I've never admitted it to anyone but he left such a deep scar that I'm afraid I'm always going to be scared of risking out things because he made me feel that I wasn't exactly someone worth fighting or waiting for.

Anyway, a few days ago, the whole class met up to catch up on things, especially since a lot of people are already graduating and would, probably, never be seen again. I went. I missed my friends although I was dreading to see him. A small part of me, however, wanted to see him to know if there's still any spark left, if I would still feel my pulse race, my breath hitch and my face splitting into a huge grin. As I didn't want to appear pathetic, I dressed up. I was careful to make myself appear casual and exceptionally pretty, since I'm not the type that one goes crazy for.

Sure enough, he was there. He was still the same. Quiet, mysterious, and speaking only when necessary. When he wasn't looking, I stared at him to evaluate if any old feelings resurface. Sadly, the only thing I felt was sorrow - a bone-deep sorrow that ran through my whole being. He was one of my closest friends before. I could say anything to him. But now? We spoke only when necessary. I wanted to shake him and ask him what's wrong. I wanted to shout at him and hit him for not talking at all. Most of all, I wanted to ask him if he really did have affections for me, if everything was actually real or was just for show. I wanted to know if he really did care for me in that way or if he was just fascinated by the walls I put up against the opposite gender.

But I didn't. I pretended to laugh and smile at everything anyone said. I talked and socialized with everyone. Except him. Never him.

When we had nothing to do anymore, one of our friends decided to play some music. We joined in, passing the mic around and enjoying ourselves. Suddenly, our friend called him and another guy to back him up with the instruments. They, then, played songs that we enjoyed during high school. It was fun reminiscing, remembering the old times. But with the music, comes the memories. Most of them bittersweet. Especially since we were both music lovers, and we decided to study playing the guitar at the same time.

It was quite hard to travel back to memory lane. Then, they played it. That particular song which he seemed so fond to play with whenever I'm around. I sang along and, for the first time, listened to the lyrics, to what they meant and to what he was telling me.

I was appalled when I realized the message of the song. I never thought that I was an addiction, that I was dragging him down and that he desperately wanted to get away from me during those times. The song - it was about addiction, drowning, slipping away. I felt like the villain in the movie who was playing him and all this time I thought I was the one who was played. I was struck to the core that until this very minute, I was still bothered by the song and by the whole relationship, if one could call it that. We never talked about things, there was no closure, there was nothing. And I desperately wanted to know things. I desperately wanted to move on from the event. But to do that I really just have to know the truth, to know just who I was for him.

I'm desperate. I'm bothered. I wanted things resolved but, again, I'm really too scared. At the end of the day, I'm nothing but a scared girl who never did risk anything, especially her heart. I though it was gonna keep me safe. Guess what? It kept me wondering and regretting.

The challenge for me still lingers: Will I be brave enough to ask and strong enough to accept the truth?

*Note: In case you're wondering, the song is My Heroine by Silverstein 

Oct. 17th, 2013

Your friend's boyfriend </3

Crushing on your friend's boyfriend is crap.
It is the biggest sin one can commit.
It is cruelty and deceit.

Liking your friend's boyfriend is stupid.
It is pain and drama all rolled into one.
It is stupidity and martyrdom, at its best.

Falling in love with your friend's boyfriend is prohibited.
It is unrequited love at its highest form.
It is the path to your own self destruction.

Your friend's boyfriend is off limits.
Is the cursed fruit in the garden.
Is the only one you want.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

Being Back

Yep! It's been a really long time. But I miss livejournal and although I do have something other blog existing in some other universe, I will forever enjoy the anonymity and the mystery that livejournal provides me.

Soooo :) I think I'll start posting again pretty soon. :) Although I'm going to link both my blogs. Probably anyway :)

For now, I'm going to have to go. I still have to sleep and finish editing our research paper :) Toodles! :*

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