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Nov. 20th, 2012

Duties my Ass

So I have been an obedient little thing since I was a wee child. I may have moments of lapses - like when I told my mom we were having a party with our teachers when it was actually just our group of friends - but there was never anything major about it.

I don't drink. I haven't been into any relationship whatsoever. I don't even go out with my friends.
In short, I've been one of those model daughters who isn't too boring or stiff or formal. I'm well-rounded, if I do say so myself, and could handle almost any situation that could come my way.

Unfortunately, there was one thing that I never could do: to disobey my parent's orders.

It is not a bad thing. On the contrary, it really is a very positive quality. However, as I grew older, I realized there are several roads that I would have to take on my own and decisions that I have to make for myself. They are not, necessarily, good choices since I am still faulted with capriciousness and pride that often comes with youth. But I do believe that these things are something that I deserve to experience, myself, in order to learn something out of them. It is particularly frustrating when you are doing something that is against what you feel so strongly about. But you never could do anything about it because whenever brought up, the answer was always a "NO."

Every single time, an opportunity presents itself that may just have enough risks in it, it was denied to me. I never learned to ride a bike because my mom was afraid I'll just scratch myself. I never learned to swim because my father thought I'll just drown in the water. I never got a chance to dance in the rain because no one believed I had the immune system for it. I can't even pursue the career that I want because they do not think I am going to be successful in it.

I understand that it maybe their twisted way of showing their care for someone. Unfortunately, I had a very independent nature that I just felt suffocated by all of these rather than loved. Loving someone, fully, is something I believe that allows growth and development. How could I do that when in every choice I make, they see nothing but its downfall?

So I headed into the direction that they wanted me to go, all the while telling myself that it's nothing but a duty that I must fulfill since they are my parents and I owe them for bringing me in this world and that that they know more than I do. But every single day, I hear the pen calling out to me and I feel the answering rush of my blood and the growing misery inside me every time I picture myself being someone that I do not recognize in the future.

Duty, my ass.

Now I see that fulfilling a duty is a coward's way out from the criticisms, failures and hurdles that endlessly blocks the way when one chooses to follow her heart. I didn't want to disappoint them and I wanted so badly their approval that I'll do a lot of things for them. However, it was the thought of failure that prevented me from following after my dream. In fact, my fear of it has largely influenced all my decisions in life.

I do not know what must be done. It's hard enough to go through the turmoil, it's harder still when no one understands what you're going through. I can only write about these fears and these feelings. I, however, do not know how long will it take for me to man up enough to go after what I desire the most. As for now, I let myself get blown by the wind wherever it goes. I am a strong believer that if you wish hard enough, something was bound to happen.

Duty is nothing but an excuse, an escape. Sometimes, we have to face the fact that we just aren't strong enough to go for that which we really want. We could give everyone a lists of why but there would also be a longer list of why-nots. I have always wanted to conquer the stupid fear, more than anything else, and everyday I feel myself doing a little of that. I just hope that when I feel strong enough to do things, it won't be too late.

Nov. 2nd, 2012

Dreams and Realities

So maybe you've got enough determination. But what if you do not have enough talent, this big D usually turns to a huge pile of ashes. It's definitely a bitter part of reality that everyone of us just have to accept.
Picture this. Remember when we were young kids? People tell us to dream, and dream BIG! Because we can be whoever we want to be. Then we suddenly grow up, encounter problems and pick up some skills and BAM! People will be telling us to be someone they think we'll be successful in, even if that someone, more often than not, is not the person that we really want to be.
Sucks right? Unfortunately, that's just how life is. You cannot always be what you dreamed of. But that does not mean that you're going to be a bitter bitch and just make everyone around you miserable. We do not know where we're going to end up in life. But I believe we'll get there, even with the dozens of sidetracks and u-turns. At the end of the day, what matters is that we make the most out of it - whatever the decision we pick.

Oct. 17th, 2012

(no subject)

Hi! Hi!
I'm supposed to not get frustrated as a friend of mine - who I'm slightly attracted to, by the way - is head over heels for another friend of mine. You know the type: big breasts, great ass, beautiful face and a brain and heart to go with it. Y'know sometimes I really can't get how unfair the world is. She's perfect, with minimal malfunctions, while here I am, a mere mortal who's height can't even be greater than 5 feet. Sure, I have my own edge but if the real world has a lot of her around, I'm not sure if I'll ever get a job or a boyfriend, someday. Who's going to choose measly me over her greatness?
I'm not exactly insecure or something and I do not wish her ill since she's one of my closest friends. It's just another view I have on things. You can't help but question if there's really supposed to be fairness when one person has been blessed with almost everything in life while others have barely redeeming qualities.
Is it a test if one could be able to make something out of the raw materials? If he/she could make something great out of something that's just a little more than nothing?
I don't really know. It's difficult to think anymore. I just wish that my friend would be careful with his heart. I've been nursing too many broken hearts recently (including my own) and it really takes a lot out of you.

Oct. 16th, 2012

Contentment

                Boredom: it’s something that creeps up your skin when you are not doing anything. And the moment you are doing something you wanted to find that day where you are doing nothing. After arriving to such destination, you would then be bored and ……. you get it, don’t you? It’s a cycle that goes on and on in a man’s life, it’s not even funny anymore.

                However, the weirdness that is humanity does not even stop there. You ever had that feeling when you think your life had been too quiet and you look for something akin to fun ahem-trouble-ahem, and then try to wiggle out of it once it’s there? Or when you try to live in peace when in fact you wanted the noise and the topsy-turvy? How about growing up in the city then trying to live in the country, and still looking forward to live in the other while staying in one?

Confusing? Yeah well, if I could make a dictionary I would make Homo sapiens a synonym for confusing. Because, generally, that’s what we are. We try to find something, search for something that seemed elusive, unreachable. And when we have it? We throw it away and realize it’s not what we wanted in the first place. Course there are those people out there who knows what they wanted from the start, and when they come across it, they never let go. Still though, there’s a little piece of doubt in their minds that continually bugs them if they’re really doing the right thing or if there is still something out there that could have been better for them.

Always something better, something bigger, something nicer. That’s what we’re all after, isn’t it? We can’t settle for anything because nothing in this world could be considered as the best. They’re all mediocre things that seemed to be above average until the next above average has been discovered. And we crave for that: to be the best even though no one can be. It’s this wild goose chase for perfection that had made us become so restless, so indecisive, so……………………. So Stupid.

Stupidity. Now that could be another synonym for humanity. We let things, opportunities, people go just to try and grab that star. Look at our scientists trying to fly into the ends of the universe or discovering the secrets of nuclear fusion when there are so much more problems in the planet that must be confronted and solved. Why do we continually torture ourselves in understanding abstract ideas that are more than we could grasp? As highly adaptable and trainable as our species can be, there is such a thing as limit. Limit to our seemingly endless potentials that we try to stretch.

Because of this trying to look into the extraordinary or unique, we fail to notice the everyday miracles that face us or the more recent problems that must be solved. Why try to reach space when what we needed to do is to save our planet? Why try to find some younger woman when you have your own wife who loves you and adores you? Why fill yourself with junks and processed foods when vegetables and fruits could be so much better? Why continue questioning life instead of just living it? Life is too short to waste it on searching. We are given everything we need. Can’t we just treasure it, rather than ignore it and find something else?

Contentment, that’s one thing we should all must have. If you already have a beautiful house and a luxurious car, then stop taking money that’s not yours to feed your greed. A container, when it is filled more than its usual capacity would either burst or overflow. Sometimes, we just have to decide when things are enough and back off. We could never have everything we want, that’s the simple ugly truth. I’m not saying we settle for less but that we try not to take anything that’s more than we can handle. After all, we are all still humans who die. We can never take anything with us to the grave. In the end, we give up everything and everyone that we adore and love, because all of them has to be left behind.

Contentment, again, is not settling for less. Rather, it’s making the best of what you have. Happiness, excellence and perfection, my friends, cannot be found, only decided. You can upturn every rock, swim every sea and dig up every piece of land but you can never, ever find these until you say to yourself that it’s enough because this will be everything that I will need in this lifetime. Life is a precious gift. Why waste it scurrying the land for something that does not even exist? If you do not have anything to do, accept it and relax. If you have too much to do, accept it and be thankful for being alive.

Live. Smile. Appreciate. And be happy. Life is always at its greatest.

                Boredom: it’s something that creeps up your skin when you are not doing anything. And the moment you are doing something you wanted to find that day where you are doing nothing. After arriving to such destination, you would then be bored and ……. you get it, don’t you? It’s a cycle that goes on and on in a man’s life, it’s not even funny anymore.

                However, the weirdness that is humanity does not even stop there. You ever had that feeling when you think your life had been too quiet and you look for something akin to fun ahem-trouble-ahem, and then try to wiggle out of it once it’s there? Or when you try to live in peace when in fact you wanted the noise and the topsy-turvy? How about growing up in the city then trying to live in the country, and still looking forward to live in the other while staying in one?

Confusing? Yeah well, if I could make a dictionary I would make Homo sapiens a synonym for confusing. Because, generally, that’s what we are. We try to find something, search for something that seemed elusive, unreachable. And when we have it? We throw it away and realize it’s not what we wanted in the first place. Course there are those people out there who knows what they wanted from the start, and when they come across it, they never let go. Still though, there’s a little piece of doubt in their minds that continually bugs them if they’re really doing the right thing or if there is still something out there that could have been better for them.

Always something better, something bigger, something nicer. That’s what we’re all after, isn’t it? We can’t settle for anything because nothing in this world could be considered as the best. They’re all mediocre things that seemed to be above average until the next above average has been discovered. And we crave for that: to be the best even though no one can be. It’s this wild goose chase for perfection that had made us become so restless, so indecisive, so……………………. So Stupid.

Stupidity. Now that could be another synonym for humanity. We let things, opportunities, people go just to try and grab that star. Look at our scientists trying to fly into the ends of the universe or discovering the secrets of nuclear fusion when there are so much more problems in the planet that must be confronted and solved. Why do we continually torture ourselves in understanding abstract ideas that are more than we could grasp? As highly adaptable and trainable as our species can be, there is such a thing as limit. Limit to our seemingly endless potentials that we try to stretch.

Because of this trying to look into the extraordinary or unique, we fail to notice the everyday miracles that face us or the more recent problems that must be solved. Why try to reach space when what we needed to do is to save our planet? Why try to find some younger woman when you have your own wife who loves you and adores you? Why fill yourself with junks and processed foods when vegetables and fruits could be so much better? Why continue questioning life instead of just living it? Life is too short to waste it on searching. We are given everything we need. Can’t we just treasure it, rather than ignore it and find something else?

Contentment, that’s one thing we should all must have. If you already have a beautiful house and a luxurious car, then stop taking money that’s not yours to feed your greed. A container, when it is filled more than its usual capacity would either burst or overflow. Sometimes, we just have to decide when things are enough and back off. We could never have everything we want, that’s the simple ugly truth. I’m not saying we settle for less but that we try not to take anything that’s more than we can handle. After all, we are all still humans who die. We can never take anything with us to the grave. In the end, we give up everything and everyone that we adore and love, because all of them has to be left behind.

Contentment, again, is not settling for less. Rather, it’s making the best of what you have. Happiness, excellence and perfection, my friends, cannot be found, only decided. You can upturn every rock, swim every sea and dig up every piece of land but you can never, ever find these until you say to yourself that it’s enough because this will be everything that I will need in this lifetime. Life is a precious gift. Why waste it scurrying the land for something that does not even exist? If you do not have anything to do, accept it and relax. If you have too much to do, accept it and be thankful for being alive.

Live. Smile. Appreciate. And be happy. Life is always at its greatest.

Oct. 3rd, 2012

The Lamp

                The lamp: a bright mass of light standing in the center of the table. It had looked so spectacular that everything that had seen it would be pretty much in love with it. Anything and anyone would not have the power to resist it and its majesty had blinded everyone to its fatal flaw. And so, every night, insects, bugs and pretty much everything else near the area would come together and worship it.

For Oddy, a hairy bug with square eyes, nothing had looked more beautiful. So he continually visited it day after day, flying all around its circumference, ogling at its perfection and dreaming that it was his. However, he does this secretly because he knew it would definitely hurt Riad, his beefy, two-nosed friend who had proclaimed his undying love for the lamp.

One day, while Oddy was on his way towards the lamp, he bumped into Glow, a weird and small firefly who was on her way to her home.

“Sorry, Glow, didn’t see you,” he apologized. “You really should grow a little taller so everyone would stop bumping into you.”

She rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. “Whatever, Od. Where are you going at this time of the night?”

“Umm, nowhere. I just needed some air.”

“Right,” was her unconvinced reply. “You needed some air near the ever-perfect Lamp.”

“What? Lamp? No -----“

“Dude quit with the lying. I always see you at this time of night. No worries I told nobody.”

He sighed. It was no use lying to Glow. Her senses were keener than anyone in the area.

“Okay. Maybe I am. So what?”

“So you’re in love with her. The same way Riad is and everyone else is, by the way.”

“What I’m not!”

She simply raised an elegant eyebrow until he hung his head in shame.

“Okay maybe I do. But nobody has to know.”

“Do I look like I spread secrets?”

“No, Glow. I just had to make sure. I mean, Lamp’s just perfect. I’ve never seen anyone like her. I’m not planning to do anything else. And if Riad wants to go get her then I won’t stand in his way.”

“That’s what they all say, Od. I just wish you well.”

“Thanks, Glow. I’ll be on my way.”

And it had been like that every night after. Glow would see him, they’d talk, mostly about Lamp, and then they’ll go on their separate ways.

Unbeknownst to Od, Glow had feelings for him which she secretly kept in fear of rejection. She told no one except Drew, her best friend dragonfly. Drew could do nothing but pity her for she forbids any intervention from his part.

Suddenly, news had reached Glow that Riad had burned his wings when he tried to get nearer to Lamp. The injury was so bad that he could not fly anymore. As fast as her wings could carry her, Glow flew to warn Oddy.

“Is anybody home?” was her desperate knock.

“Sheeesh, wait will you? I’m coming,” came Od’s lazy reply.

The moment he opened the door, Glow flew into his arms and rambled, “Are you okay? Did anything happen to you?”

“Okay, okay already. I’m fine, Glow. Why do you sound so hysterical?”

Composing herself, she broke away from the embrace and cleared her throat.

“I’m sorry. But I heard Riad’s injured himself, I just wanted to know if you’re okay. I thought you went with him.”

“I didn’t I was planning to get nearer the next day.”

Fear leaped into her heart that she reached out and clutched the front of his shirt. “Are you crazy? Didn’t you see what happened to everyone else who tried that? Od, stop this foolishness and open your eyes. No one’s just good enough for Lamp!”

“Why are you doing this, Glow? You’re my friend. You should be encouraging me to do it. I have to see what’s behind that light!”

“I am your friend! That is why I’m stopping you from doing this! You want to know what’s behind all the glowing light? I can tell you! It’s fire, damn it! Blazing fire that is too much for anyone of you to handle.”

“And you know this because?”

“Because I hold part of that fire!” she turned around and showed her tail. “You see the small glowing light on my tail? That’s a part of that fire, Od, and it can already burn things even with its little size. That Lamp could kill you if you would get near enough!”

He was silent for a few minutes before declaring, “I’m still going.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Maybe I am.”

“But I’m crazier, Od. For falling in love with a stupid twerp like you. Go on and kill yourself. But I won’t be here to watch it.”

And with that, Glow flew away and was never seen again.

Oddy, on the other hand went into Lamp that night but nobody knew what happened to him after, for he, too, had never been found.

Lamp just went on her merry way: unaware and ignorant of everything that had been going on.

Sometimes, we continually search for that bright light when a small glow would have been enough.

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